GETTING STRONGER AND TALLER

As I reflect back on the last eight years of my life it makes me grateful to see how far I have come with the trials I have faced.  The years before those eight years were, so different so perfect and so good.  I am not the same person I was then as to what I became over the last eight years.  The trials that I have experienced have dropped me to my knees.  Took me to the brink of despair.  Times of agony, times of heartache, and times of uncertain health. Its been a journey on a hard and steep hill but this hill has taught me some valuable lessons that I wouldn't have learned if I hadn't had the trials that I have had.  It has been a slow climb and  at times I didn't think I would make it.  But guess what, though the journey is not over, I have made it this far.  Turning to my Heavenly Father for desperate help was my first step.  Communication was the key.  I had to learn to really listen, listen to not just what I wanted, but what he wanted me to do.  I had to step outside of my box and open up to different things.  Things that may have not made sense then but later would be shown to me.  I had to learn to not take myself so serious.  I had to find ways to be happy even while trials were all around me. I learned patience.   I learned that I am stronger than I use to be.  Things that would have upset me in the past, I can just let go now, let it go because some things aren't worth the tears.  Some things I can just roll with because  I have gone through worse and survived.  I don't sweat the small stuff.  I focus on what's important.  I have learned that life is not fair and that's ok.  I have learned that I can't fix everything because some things must fix themselves. I have learned that trials can cause wrinkles (and yes I earned everyone one of them).  I have learned that stress is not goof for your health that I need to take time for me and bring me back to my center.    I have learned that it takes hard work to achieve great things.  I have learned that others all around me are dealing with hard trials too and I can be there to help.  I can be there with empathy because I know their pain and they too can be there for me. So many lessons to be learned, and so many more to go.  I am holding on to what I know.  Im holding on with faith that everything will work out the way it is suppose to.  Life experiences can knock you down, but it's how tall we stand after we get back up that matters.  I am getting a little stronger and taller each day.

Normal?

What is Normal?

Ascending to normal? Is there really a normal?  While ascending to find that normal I am looking for, it wasn't so clear to me anymore of what normal actually was.  What is my normal?  Do any of us have a true normal?  Was my normal when I was a baby, so sweet and innocent, where everyone loved me and held me for hours?  Was my normal when I was a young child hanging out with all the neighbor kids, riding bikes from home to home without a care in the world?  Or could I have been normal when I was a teenager always thinking I was invincible and knew it all?  Maybe it was when I was first married experiencing a new freedom, a new companion.   Was normal when I lost loved ones that left my heart hurting with a pain that would never go away? My normal could've been when I became a new mother holding a new beautiful life in my arms spending countless hours rocking and feeding the infant through the long nights. Was my normal when our first home was being built and picking out all the features to make our new house a home?  Or maybe it's when the kids were getting older and more involved in activities and events where I watched and cheered them on, encouraging them in all their doings.  Maybe my normal was when I became a grandma holding a new generation of my posterity in my arms. Was my normal when my kids became more involved in their lives leaving me with a soon to be empty nester feeling? Is my normal when I go through trials so hard that I fall?  Or is my normal when I can feel peace and joy?  What is our normal?  What is my normal?  How do I ascend when I don't know which path will take me to normal. This I do know, I have to keep climbing. Climbing until I find that normal which will fit me at this time. Life is always changing. Things happen to change us and mold us. Our normal must change through these times also. I will ascend, I will climb these walls and I will find my new normal.

FINDING WISODM IN WISDOM TEETH

Why did this make a reclamation for me?

At times, you begin to view yourself to find you are not just less than perfect but roughly unperfect.  The words that come from something malicious can graze you so profoundly at the root that it is hard to believe that there is anything valuable about you. You feel your self being picked apart and heaved into tiny pieces. It is so hard to see yourself any different than this. Your essence begins to feel disoriented, dysfunctional, and  disparaged.  Sometimes though, in these harsh moments an interruption can occur. For me, this appearance happened from a simple juncture of my two teenage daughters having both their wisdom teeth extracted at the same time. Why did this make a reclamation for me? It was as simple as this, they needed me. They wanted me to care for them, to be there for them. They wanted what I could offer and in return they offered me what I needed.  After their procedure was complete, they were brought home to a makeshift  sleepover room in our family room that was created for us all to gather. Together we watched movies while every two to three hours I measured out medications and administered it to the girls.  I changed their gauze. I cooked mashed potatoes and got them drinks as needed. I became their personal nurse, and it was nice. They needed me, they appreciated me, and most of all, I needed them.  Being needed no matter how minimal can work wonders on our vitality, our optimism, and for me, aiding in my Ascending 2 Normal.  

IT WILL BE OK

Can I ascend?

Hearing the words "It could be cancer." echoing throughout your ears leaves you unable to fully acknowledge the rest of the conversation. The words being said become muffled and monotone that you fluctuate your head concealing that you do not understand. The few words you do remember are "biopsy", "more tests", and "it will be ok". I thought I was going in for a different kind of help. A kind of  help to sooth my tears. To fix my tortured heart. At first I was numb. I didn't know what to make of it. It is in these times that your life flashes before your eyes. I had heard these words before, These words were said to me after a routine check up.  A time right before my slow descending passage. In the end, that struggle turned out ok. Would it this time?  Would it really be ok like the words that slipped through my ears so quickly.   I so deeply wanted to begin my progression in ascending out of this place. But now with this, with this in my trail, could I really ascend? After much thought and allowing my sense to process,  I made a choice. A decision of sorts.  The way to pass through this would have to be, one day at a time. Before I could seal my fate and expect the worst, I needed to take the proper stride to find out if this element even had a place to exist in my being. My choice was to begin my ascend, to block it from my mind, until I could take the qualified steps to find out what really existed.  Somehow, it would be ok.

VALLEYS AND PEAKS

Can I find Serenity in my being?

 Somewhere on my course of my valleys and peaks, I found a place that brought me to a peace of some sort. It gave me a connection for a brief time to feel something altered, something different than pain and heartache. I found this place in the face of the mountains, the mountains that surround my compass.  This ascend challenged my soul. It challenged my limits, and I learned to attack those limits each time rising higher and farther than I thought possible.  At times I would follow the beaten path. Other times I would explore and venture out in unmarked territory making my own path. My own way. I could go where I wanted to explore.  I felt unrestrained. I felt stable.  There was serenity in my being. This ascending became a portion of my beacons to face and assist in the long lasting crusade to find normal.

DETATCHED TEARS

Is this who I am?

There are times when you go through life not really going forwards or backwards.  You stand idle, unaware of your surroundings.  You do not understand that you are not going anywhere.  You are only aware of  your heavy heart and the tears never stop flowing.  Every conversation, every activity, every detail that you see brings you back to the heart, the hurting heart. All you know is the pain, and that will not go away.  It tears you down.  It consumes you.  It becomes you.  That is what I became.  Getting past this point was out of my reach, far from my grasp.  There was no one there to grab my hand and pull me up.  I was seperated from everything, everything except my tears and pain.  I could not see a way out.  Everything ran together.  My days, my nights my thoughts, my pain, just one blur until at some point, I took a good look at myself and said "Is this who I am?"  I knew the answer to this question.  For a brief moment I remembered who I used to be and decided "No!  This is not who I am.  This is not me!"  It was then that I knew, it was time, yes time to begin the climb back to who I really am. 

THE FALL BEFORE THE CLIMB

How Abyssal is the Hollow?

There was a time when passing by the abyss meant nothing to me. It wasn't there for me. Or so I thought. It's at that time we take for granted how untroubled life is. But the abyss waits. It waits patiently. It picks the moment and begins drawing you down. It starts with a small trial. Then a few more. The abyss then increases the affliction testing you to your limits. It's during this time that we find our strength to fight back, to show what we are made of.  And I did fight back for many years. I triumphed. I survived. We did it.  Family trials, health problems, we got through them. As a family we worked together to solve the afflictions we were facing. I learned to be stronger. I learned to pray with all my heart. I learned compassion and I learned forgiveness. But, I wasn't prepared for what was to come. The abyss wasn't finished.  This wasn't over.   In the midst of adversity, an oyster can give you a pearl.  A pearl above all other stones.  And within the walls of  afflictions we can receive this amazing gemstone. This pearl can make all the heartfelt trials disappear. Your focus changes and you become renewed. We had joy. Life was amazing, amazing that is, until that perfect stone, so shiny, so precious, so close to our hearts was taken from our grasps. Just taken away. Left with nothing.  That is where I found complete darkness.  That is where I found  how abyssal the hollow can be.