IT WILL BE OK

Can I ascend?

Hearing the words "It could be cancer." echoing throughout your ears leaves you unable to fully acknowledge the rest of the conversation. The words being said become muffled and monotone that you fluctuate your head concealing that you do not understand. The few words you do remember are "biopsy", "more tests", and "it will be ok". I thought I was going in for a different kind of help. A kind of  help to sooth my tears. To fix my tortured heart. At first I was numb. I didn't know what to make of it. It is in these times that your life flashes before your eyes. I had heard these words before, These words were said to me after a routine check up.  A time right before my slow descending passage. In the end, that struggle turned out ok. Would it this time?  Would it really be ok like the words that slipped through my ears so quickly.   I so deeply wanted to begin my progression in ascending out of this place. But now with this, with this in my trail, could I really ascend? After much thought and allowing my sense to process,  I made a choice. A decision of sorts.  The way to pass through this would have to be, one day at a time. Before I could seal my fate and expect the worst, I needed to take the proper stride to find out if this element even had a place to exist in my being. My choice was to begin my ascend, to block it from my mind, until I could take the qualified steps to find out what really existed.  Somehow, it would be ok.

VALLEYS AND PEAKS

Can I find Serenity in my being?

 Somewhere on my course of my valleys and peaks, I found a place that brought me to a peace of some sort. It gave me a connection for a brief time to feel something altered, something different than pain and heartache. I found this place in the face of the mountains, the mountains that surround my compass.  This ascend challenged my soul. It challenged my limits, and I learned to attack those limits each time rising higher and farther than I thought possible.  At times I would follow the beaten path. Other times I would explore and venture out in unmarked territory making my own path. My own way. I could go where I wanted to explore.  I felt unrestrained. I felt stable.  There was serenity in my being. This ascending became a portion of my beacons to face and assist in the long lasting crusade to find normal.

DETATCHED TEARS

Is this who I am?

There are times when you go through life not really going forwards or backwards.  You stand idle, unaware of your surroundings.  You do not understand that you are not going anywhere.  You are only aware of  your heavy heart and the tears never stop flowing.  Every conversation, every activity, every detail that you see brings you back to the heart, the hurting heart. All you know is the pain, and that will not go away.  It tears you down.  It consumes you.  It becomes you.  That is what I became.  Getting past this point was out of my reach, far from my grasp.  There was no one there to grab my hand and pull me up.  I was seperated from everything, everything except my tears and pain.  I could not see a way out.  Everything ran together.  My days, my nights my thoughts, my pain, just one blur until at some point, I took a good look at myself and said "Is this who I am?"  I knew the answer to this question.  For a brief moment I remembered who I used to be and decided "No!  This is not who I am.  This is not me!"  It was then that I knew, it was time, yes time to begin the climb back to who I really am. 

THE FALL BEFORE THE CLIMB

How Abyssal is the Hollow?

There was a time when passing by the abyss meant nothing to me. It wasn't there for me. Or so I thought. It's at that time we take for granted how untroubled life is. But the abyss waits. It waits patiently. It picks the moment and begins drawing you down. It starts with a small trial. Then a few more. The abyss then increases the affliction testing you to your limits. It's during this time that we find our strength to fight back, to show what we are made of.  And I did fight back for many years. I triumphed. I survived. We did it.  Family trials, health problems, we got through them. As a family we worked together to solve the afflictions we were facing. I learned to be stronger. I learned to pray with all my heart. I learned compassion and I learned forgiveness. But, I wasn't prepared for what was to come. The abyss wasn't finished.  This wasn't over.   In the midst of adversity, an oyster can give you a pearl.  A pearl above all other stones.  And within the walls of  afflictions we can receive this amazing gemstone. This pearl can make all the heartfelt trials disappear. Your focus changes and you become renewed. We had joy. Life was amazing, amazing that is, until that perfect stone, so shiny, so precious, so close to our hearts was taken from our grasps. Just taken away. Left with nothing.  That is where I found complete darkness.  That is where I found  how abyssal the hollow can be. 

LIFE IS A CLIMB

What is Ascend 2 Normal?

Life at times can put you in a place that goes below to deep dark areas from what we know as our normal.  It could be the death of a loved one.  It could be financial situations.  It could be a family situations.  Maybe your good health is taking a turn for the worse.  There are just some situations that just pull on our souls and torture what minimal  normal you have left within your being.  It is gorged with some of the most intense, heartbreaking, gut wrenching  feelings.  When you land at the bottom and settle at that wretched place, at some point there is no place to go but up, up to normal,  and that is where the ascending comes in.  There is no lower place to go.  You have no choice but to go up.  Ascending, even if the journey is minimal.  Even more minimal than a baby step. It might be an ascension the size of the end of a pin.  It might even be microscopic.  No matter how small, you are on the path to Ascend 2 Normal.  This is my Journey.